30 Days of Letters
by Tusk Of Thyme
Summary: Neil has recovered from his suicide attempt and has been sent away to an asylum. After he got semi-settled, he decided to write one letter a day to the people he knew on his road to emotional recovery. Drabbles of Teil.
1. An Introduction and Note

**Author's Note:**This is going to be slow building at first-I really need you readers to trust me even though it seems dry at first. I'd like to say that you will never get to read the response letters as this is about Neil and his 30 days of writing a letter each day. The list of letters I stole from a friend off Deviantart who used the list to write a series of poems.

Some of these will be short, others will be quite long. I've never done anything quite like this before so any feedback on how to improve is most welcome.

This is the first and last Author note you will see because I really want you to try and feel like Neil is writing to you and you put yourself in whichever character's shoes. Uhm, I don't know if that will happen at all but I'll pretend that it will haha :P oh, and I'll try my hardest to not create any characters you aren't familiar with because I feel that's cheating.

Thanks for reading,

Thyme


	2. Best Friend

Dear Charlie,

I'm sure you've probably heard by now that I tried to kill myself. With all the ruckus that must've caused, I'm sure _everyone_ has heard about it by now. I suppose I should answer all questions I assume you'd ask me if my parents allowed me to have visitors in here.

I used a .22 LR handgun-why? Charlie, my friend, that's a lot to get into in a simple letter. It was a small bullet, a 5.7mm, that entered through my cheek and lodged in my jaw so I'm okay, I have trouble hearing out of my right ear, and now I'm prone to migraines but I'm alive and astoundingly somewhat thankful for it.

No, I'm not coming back to Welton for senior year, not until I can convince Dr. Foebler that I'm emotionally stable enough to leave his care at this jail of an asylum. I can't be angry about it, reaping what I've sown and all that. At least I'm not in a military school, right? And I can read all I want, whatever I want and whenever I want so even though it's twisted, be happy for me. My parents rarely come to see me, I think because it's far too painful for Mom and Dad always ends up yelling. Even though he says Captain was a "Goddamn manipulative bastard" I really think that Dad blames himself-even though its obviously all my fault.

I look forward to our correspondence; do me a favor though? Tell Todd I'm well and good, please leave out all the gory details. I haven't written to him yet because I am so fucking ashamed of myself.

I suppose you're wondering why I'm writing to you first. Well, when I was in a counseling session, David Berkman, one of the other patients here, said that when he first came here he received a letter from his brother who studies the therapeutic effect of writing. David's brother compiled a list of people that David should write to over the span of thirty days. It intrigued me and when I spoke to David about it, he simply gave me the list and left me with it. That's where you come in, the first on the list is "your best friend" and Charlie, that's you.

I'm somewhat glad that your parents bought your way back into Welton, don't let Cameron of all people be the reason why you'd get expelled. If you're going to get expelled, do it because you're standing up for something you believe in. Cameron has issues, we all do, but even though he infuriates most of the people he meets, really he just wants to be liked. And honestly, who doesn't? I know it may be a lot to ask but I'd appreciate it Charlie if you would look out for him because I'm not there to do it and I promised him years ago that I always would. You have a future a head of you-its so ironic that I'm the one writing that, isn't it? I guess there's a reason for everything...I would have been lonely without all of you anyway. Please let me know how you're faring and for the love of _God,_ Charlie BEHAVE. I'm fixing plans for us when you graduate, I'm pretty sure that the lot of us can just go somewhere because the world is changing Charlie Dalton, I can feel it and I will not be left out of it.

They have me on some ridiculous drugs here-Valium and some other chalky pills that give me horridly vivid dreams. The nausea is rolling and churning but after a few weeks I wouldn't vomit after taking them anymore. That's progress.

Valentine's day is tomorrow.

Neil


	3. Crush

Dear Todd,

Happy Valentine's Day!

...I miss you...

Neil


	4. Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

You haven't visited since my birthday on January 12th.

I want to apologize for the anguish I've caused, and the disappointment. I suppose it'll do me little good now to let you know that a life time of Military school was something I couldn't handle, wasn't _willing t_o handle.

I love you both. I appreciate all you've done for me and I have strived to make you proud. Dad, I know you were proud of me and I realize now that all you wanted for me was to end up happy and successful, but Dad, I'm not you. I'll never be you. I wish you could understand that. Mr. Keating isn't at fault here, I don't even want to go into how angry I am that you accused him when it's really all my fault. Because I was to cowardly to talk to you and you are too determined to understand. I'm even angrier that my friends were forced to turn on him.

Please try to understand that I'm sorry. There's still hope for me because I know I'll leave this place in one stable piece thanks to you. Dr. Foebler has given me permission to sign up for some night classes at the community college down the street so I've pretty much picked up where I left off. Sure I have to be guided there by two of the security guards but honestly, they;re nice and as long as I do as I'm told I don't get hassled. There was nothing worse than being rolled around in those ice cold sheets the first time I had a nervous fit.

Mom, I know you don't want to hear about the details of me staying here in this place, I know it breaks your heart. I'm so sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you so much pain. I was thinking of myself, please understand that none of my actions are a reflection on you as a person or a parent, just my warped thinking and knowing how trapped I was. It's not your fault, always remember that

There's so much more I want to say but to be honest, Dad, I'm afraid you ripped up this letter and threw it out as soon as you read about how it wasn't Mr. Keating's fault. Besides, I'm starting to see colored lights and feel pressure swelling behind my eyes. Migraine is coming.

Neil


	5. SiblingClosest Relative

Dear Gerard Pitts,

Hey Pittsie. I'm sure Charlie told you all about this therapeutical list of letters that I'm writing. For day 4, I'm supposed to write to "your sibling (or closest relative)" seeing as I don't have a sibling-or really even a closest relative, I'm writing to you.

Do you remember when we were younger and all the teachers would confuse us because we were the two tall, skinny, dark haired, brooding kids? ...I mean we still are the tall, dark, skinny and brooding kids but now they can (usually) tell us apart. Our relatives can't, like when you come over to hang out over the summer you're always mistaken for me and visa versea whenever I'm over at yours. "You, Neil."

"I'm Gerard"

"Riiiight..." I love it when that happens, funniest reactions EVER!

I remember back when we first met, how we became instant best friends-you're a cool guy, keep it up. And yes, I'm okay. I want to reassure everyone of that. Particularly myself.

Remember that one time we had to dissect frogs back in eighth grade? I remember how you refused to do it and you were so close to tears at the thought of hurting something so small and defenseless, I still really admire you for that. I was already to just go ahead because it was what we were told to do. When I realized why you were doing anything, I realized you had an excellent point because regardless of how small or insignificant a being is, why is it that people think they can just take away the essence of life from anything and just throw it away like it never mattered? It's different when you make the choice over your own though. You probably don't agree.

I thought the detention we got for that would never end. I got a B- that semester, my dad was SO angry; but it was worth it, right? Cameron thought we were idiots, I still think to an extent he does, hardly surprising though, right?

Let me know how you're doing, what classes and teachers you have, if there are any new kids, all that good stuff. I'd really like to hear back from you partly because I know you'll be nice to me-Todd's letter back to me was absolutely scathing-I understand why and I see the humorous side to it but STIILL, _scathing_.

One of the attendants here reminds me of you. His name is James and he wants to eventually be a pilot. He's really tall and a little clumsy, all in all a nice guy. He lets me check out extra books from the library.

Dr. Foebler said that if I continue on my pathway to recovery as well as I am, I may be able to take a few days off soon and go home around Spring Break time. If anything like that happens I'll be sure to let you know because it would be absolutely fantastic to see all of you again.

I was wondering if you could do my a favor? I was wondering if you could just shoot Todd an apology from me because it'll be faster than sending him another letter. I'd really appreciate it.

I hope to hear from you soon,

Neil


	6. Dreams

Dear Dreams,

I have no idea what this means, or how exactly I write to my dreams...at this point, I don't even know what my dreams are.

I had a dream last night though, I was at home asleep in my parents bed. I used to do that when I was little and I'd always sleep there whenever Dad was gone on a business trip so Mom wouldn't be so lonely.

In my dream, the walls were painted a sort of soft yet rich orange-tam colour and there were splotches of yellow that swirled on the wall in time the crackling of the flames in the fireplace.

I remember waking up, my head coming out of the puff pastry duvet. Mom wasn't there.

To look for her, I semi-sat up and I saw a figure in the doorway who definitely wasn't my mom. It was above average height and it would've been taller if it's posture wasn't so slouched and caused its abdomen to stick out. It was all black with no face with bulbous tips at the end of it's fingers and it looked like it was made out out a material that rippled like syrup.

It was terrifying.

It pulled out a big, old, cracked leather-bound book with yellowed and uneven pages. It told me that it collected the smell of peoples' voices.

Maybe I should just rephrase and concisely get to what I'm driving at.

Dear Dreams,

You're terrifying. Stop it.

Please give me sometime to spend with Todd.

Neil.


	7. Stranger

Dear Stranger,

I see you everyday even when I try to avoid you. There's something about your dull eyes that I can't cope with right now. You seem like you could be really nice but since you're in an asylum, you're automatically put in a category of people I don't want to intentionally get to know.

I see how you walk, in shuffling steps with your head down and the tips of your hair dripping into your eyes. To put it plainly, you look like shit. Even when you smile although that's a rare occasion from what I've seen. It's a shame really, I've heard people tell you that your mouth looks like it was made to smile. I wish you would smile because God knows it would put a lot of people at ease.

I've seen how you put on a brave face for the employees here. It's fake and plastic-I bet everyone can tell that you're completely insincere. I wonder if it's because you know and everyone else knows you're most likely never going to get out of here and you're never going to be "fixed". You will always be trapped in this sterile, dingy white building with bars on the windows and locks on the doors, even if you get out physically, your mind will still be trapped. Forever.

Although I've tried to be polite-or maybe it just scares me-I've tried my best to not stare at the scar on your face. Sure, there are a lot of people I know and people I don't know that all have scars, like the boy down the hall who tried to set himself on fire. Your scar however is unique. You didn't try to slit your wrists like my neighbor, your Mother didn't throw acid on your face like my roommate, no, your scar-although it's small-is different. For some reason whenever I catch a glimpse of you, it's your most prominent feature, that little plaster that you keep on your face to hide the bullshit underneath it because you don't want to acknowledge the fact that you don't know who you are anymore. You don;t even know how you got to be this way. This time, last year you'd be in class goofing off with your friends having a grand old time. How did it get to this? When did you take a leap away from who you were and make such a foolish choice?

Dear Stranger, you claim to be Neil Perry. You look like the shell of what he once was.

Who the hell are you? Where did you come from? Why do you think I need you? Where did I go wrong? I was the model student, I was the diamond in the rough...now I'm the scarred and failed suicidal with a semi-deaf ear and mind obliterating migraines. I feel like the statue of David but the shed skin of that magnificence. I was never truly happy and now I have destroyed each and every single chance I've ever had.

My best friend is furious with me, the fear of loosing that strange, deceptively powerful yet shy and artistic boy is coming true. And it's coming true because this new stranger is was selfish and only thinking of himself-wasn't EVEN thinking-when he went downstairs into my Father's study, pointed the gun at me and shut my eyes. It was a murder attempt, how do I explain that?

Stranger, you are so blind.

Neil


	8. Person I Miss Most

Dear Person I Miss the Most-Todd,

You're right. I'm an idiot, a fool, a complete selfish prick. Yes I did receive your follow-up letter where you apologized for saying those things (and more) but the fact of the matter is that you have NOTHING to apologize for. NOTHING. I do though.

I am absolutely humiliated by what I did. I mean, _Jesus,_ I don't know what to do. I don't feel or even look like myself anymore Todd, I don't think I even have a rational explanation. I just...when I made up my mind, I felt so at _peace_. Like I had found the answer I had been searching so hard for because there was no other way... I saw the book _Five Centuries of Verse_ in the library yesterday and I just broke down in hysterics. Back to being rolled in the hammock of ice cold sheets to snap me out of my reverie. God I hate that.

But I'm not alone, that should hopefully cheer you up a bit since you said it worried you. There's another patient here being treated for Oppositional Defiance Disorder (think Charlie) and he's defiant as _Hell. _He was thrown in here by his parents because he's gay but he oddly doesn't seem to care. He's determined to get out of here though and continue on his way of becoming a poet. I don't even really remember how we got to talking or when we even became friends. Allen is cool though, you'd like him because (and I quote) "I refuse to put up with your shit, Perry." It's actually nice not being on a pedestal anymore.

Forget me though, _Jesus_, Todd, I _miss_ you. SO much. There's so much I want to tell you that can't be put in a stupid letter. I can't even think of the words which I need to express how much I miss you. I suppose one of Whitman's poems comes rather close. I can see your face right now as you read that. Don't be disappointed Todd, I'm not eloquent and creative with my words like you. You really are amazing, you know that? This is by Walt Whitman, _When I Heard at the Close of Day_

When I heard at the close of the day how I had

been praised in the Capitol, still it was not

a happy night for me that followed,

And else when I caroused **– **nor when my favorite plans were

accomplished **–** was I really happy,

But the day when I arose at dawn from the perfect

health, electric, inhaling sweet breath

When I saw the full moon in the west grow pale and

disappear in the morning light,

When I wandered alone over the beach, and undressing, bathed,

laughing with the waters, and saw the sun rise,

And when I thought how my friend, my lover, was on

his way coming, then O I was happy.

It reminded me of you. More specifically what I am now without all of you around.

I would like permission to call you... if that's alright with you.

Neil


End file.
